I’m NOT “that mom”!

You know…That mom who always has her hair, nails and make-up done.  Cooks a 5 star breakfast every morning.  Sparkling clean house, clutter free, of course.  Always patient, kind, ready to serve…..  Spontaneous.  Always ready to have sleepovers for her kids.  Keeps a full fridge ready to make pancakes when they want them because she never runs out of eggs because she always keeps up on the grocery shopping.  She also always has silverware in the drawer because she empties the dishwasher as soon as it is finished and has it loaded again right away which means her sink isn’t filled with dishes right now.  What a mom!!!!

I am going to get really honest here.  Mom life is hard for me.  I don’t do mom life very well.  I get irritated and overwhelmed very easily.  Am I striving for better…absolutely!!!!  Everyday!!!!  I even have good days but I feel like the bad days outnumber the good on my behavior.  I love my kids more than I can put into words but I definitely don’t show it like I should.  Here’s the thing….There are days I want to run away.  Yep…I said it!  THERE ARE DAYS I WANT TO RUN AWAY???  Yes, that is what I said!  (AND….I finally said it “out loud” to my husband).

I need to be able to say that out loud…to share my feelings.  These are real feelings.  Feelings aren’t bad.  Read the Psalms.  David expresses every emotion one can have and I so appreciate his honesty.  There is a big problem that I have faced in life regarding feelings.  People judge.  When we feel judged, we then don’t share.  When we don’t share, we keep it all inside.  Keeping it all inside, eventually…WE EXPLODE!!!!  Or let’s call it what it is…SIN!!!!  We need to be free to share even our ugliest thoughts, fears, feelings, emotions.  We need to bear one another’s burdens.  We need to listen and then wrap our arms around each and show love, encouragement, support, prayer and even correction (with love).  We need to walk beside each other in God’s truth and be strong for the one who is weak.  We need to find that “one” or two or ten who will be strong for us when we are weak.

So, I’m not the perfect mom.  I never will be!!!!  That’s okay.  I’m striving for something different. AND…..Although, I really want a clean house, I want kids who have been taught how to deal with life properly.  I want them to feel free to share their feelings, their fears, their confusion, their questions, their sin with us and let us help them through it.  I want to be the parent who listens.  I want to be the honest mom who shows her kids that this life is a battle.  I not only want to show them the way to live their life according to God’s word, I want to live it out.

So, yes…my kids see an overwhelmed mess a lot of the time but they also see repentance and honesty.

It is important that we talk.  If we don’t , we may actually run away.

BE HEALTHY!!!!

Ella is WHAT?????

F-I-F-T-E-E-N!!!!

Yep, you heard me right…I gave birth for the first time 15 years ago. It’s just so weird to say I have a 15 year old.

Ella changed my world!!! I always wanted a lot of kids and then I had Ella and decided I was done. HaHa… Not whatcha ya thinking!!!! I decided this little person was all I needed. I didn’t think I could share my love with another. I just wanted it all to go to her. I didn’t want to share my time between her and any others. I was content!!! (Obviously God had other plans and I’m so thankful He did😁)

Ella is an amazing young lady❤️ She is full of talent….singing, dance, gymnastics, drawing, knitting, video editing….to name a few. She is funny. She is an artist and I can’t wait until she is ready to share it with the world. She has the most amazing hair. She’s beautiful!!! She’s a deep thinker, sometimes too deep.. LOL!!! She loves Boba and eating with chopsticks. She talks to me about everything. For a mom, this is big. I thank God everyday I have a teenager that wants her mom in her business!!!!

She wants to accomplish great things. I’m so proud to be her mommy. I love her so much❤️❤️❤️ So blessed😊

My emotions are high!!!!!

I’m sitting here at gymnastics and having so much emotion. Sitting at gymnastics is normal for me. But today, I’m sitting, watching Abby in a tumbling class. What’s the big deal, you ask? Well, she has done gymnastics for 7 years.  We have been at our current gym for a little over 2 years.  She has been on the gymnastics girl’s team there and just got done with competition. Right now, she is on one side of the gym with tumbling class and her team is on the other side doing team practice.  Still waiting for the big deal????  WELL…..

She decided this week….. it was time for a break. WHAT???

She came in to my room on February 28 about 12:30 (yep, I remember the date and time!) and told me she had something important to tell me.  She tried to get her words out through her 😭sobbing😭…..telling me what she was thinking and how she was feeling.  I sat there confused with a blank stare. I couldn’t process what she was telling me yet I knew something was going on the last month or so. It was difficult for her as she felt so heavy with worry about disappointing us, her team and her coaches. She explained that she loved her gymnastics time, her teammates, her coaches but she just wasn’t enjoying it like she once did.  She really felt like it was time to take a break and venture out to something new.

I’m proud of her for walking into my room this week and sharing her heart.  She had really thought this through and knew what direction she wanted to go next.

But this mom was not quite ready for that announcement.  A big part of our life has been gymnastics.  So much time, money, emotion invested.  I’m a “Gym Mom” and the last year and a half, I was a “Team Gym Mom”.  I made good friends and we helped each other out and encouraged each other in this whole gymnastic life.  I now do not belong to that group.  Sure, they are still my friends but I do not share this common bond anymore.  It’s like a part of my identity is gone.  I know…SO DRAMATIC!!!!  Not sure why it’s hitting me so hard.  I would think it’d be a little easier….I went through this already with my oldest.  But, in all honesty, there is still a part of me that struggles with her decision to stop.

No more, “Mom, I got a rip on each hand”…said with so much satisfaction and excitement!!!!!

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Bottom line…I love my kids always (even when I don’t like them…LOL!).  I want them to enjoy life and the things they are doing.  Abby and I will get through her decision and every day will be a little bit better as we find a new normal.  She is a talented young lady and she puts her whole heart into everything she does.  One of her struggles was that she didn’t get some of her skills as quickly as the other girls but she worked so hard and never gave up, even with her multiple injuries.  She is my special girl and I’m excited to see what’s next for her.

Alright, that’s enough (sniff, sniff)!!!!!

BE HEALTHY!!!!

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It’s so late….

Last Sunday, I shared about my very bad day that ended with me sick and remembering Who is in control. I never had a chance to sit and write this week. I really missed it. I was really sick. This thing hit me HARD!!! Still not feeling 100%. But I had to “mom” and get back into life and (try to) play catch-up.

This weekend was very busy with Christmas parties and dance recitals and dirty bathrooms and laundry, lots of laundry!!! I had planned on sitting down and writing when we got home tonight. BUT my little guy who loves to be in front of a screen whenever he can wanted to change family movie night to game night. I had to jump on that. What I really wanted to do was veg out on the couch and write while we all watched a movie.

We opened a new game Levi and I bought during Black Friday. We all had a good time. Weeelllll, I’m not sure how much fun Eric had as he is colorblind and this game requires you to stack colored cups to match the card. After several games, Eric and Abby ended up on the couch. I went to fold some laundry and Levi practiced the game so he could beat us next time. Then he asked me…. “Mom, can you play with me?”

I love this kid more than anything but I wanted to do “my thing”. I had to make a decision. I decided to sit down and play with him. How could I not? My kid wanted to play with me. Spending time with our kids is so important. I’m too busy and I lay in bed at night convicted that I chose dishes over quality time. I complain all the time how we are such a technology absorbed family and how I wish we would just sit down together and do more things to build relationships. So yes, Levi, I will play with you😁

I’m so glad God isn’t too busy. He is ruler of all and yet has time for me. He longs for me to “put down the dishes” and spend time with Him. The Creator of the Universe wants to spend time with me? Think upon that. He knows us… every single detail. He formed us, knitted us together. He knows our every thought. He thinks about us. He knows how many hairs are on our head and that number changes everyday. I’m so thankful He is patient with me as I have to be reminded too often to STOP!!!! To Be still. To know that He is God. To remember that He likes me😊

I’m selfish!!! It’s not my life!!!

I know by nature, we are all selfish! I have just noticed over the years that I have become more selfish. I find myself often questioning God and the things He allows in my day, in my life. Who do I think that I am? I must think pretty highly of myself that I would even begin to think I have any sort of control over what my day holds. What brings this whole blog about you ask? Well, I will tell you😉

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Levi woke up sick yesterday and I was mad! I was mad that my little man felt so badly. I was mad because it’s the holidays and we have so many things planned and the last thing I want to do is deal with sickness. I was mad because that meant that he had to miss out on Grama day which he has been looking forward to for a couple weeks. I was mad because that meant he has to miss his music lesson and possibly his one day a week of school that we look so forward to. I was mad that his day at school was the Christmas party and they are putting together a big project we’ve been working on making the human body. I was mad that the day I had planned to watch cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies and decorate the house while the kids were with Grama was now ruined.

I’M PRETTY PATHETIC!!!! How disappointing that so much complaining can go on in just a minute inside my head. Now… I had a choice to make. I had all these selfish thoughts plaguing me and I could talk to the Lord about it and ask Him to give me the strength to get through or I could dwell on it and just be mad through the remainder of my day because I wasn’t getting my way. Let’s be honest, that’s what was going on, right? I wasn’t getting my way! SELFISH!!!!

And did you catch the part in the beginning where I refer to this life as being….My life??? Pretty sure it doesn’t belong to me. I gave my life to God! I decided to follow Him. He makes it very clear in Mark 8:34 that following Him means to deny myself, pick up my cross (and follow Him).  I am to live this life that He so graciously gave me and do all things to His glory, not for man’s glory or approval, not for my own comfort, not for loving a life more than I love Jesus.  I am not in charge anymore!!!  I love what John Piper says about this verse, “You are a new self. Act like it. Deny the old, comfort-craving self and embrace the superior joy of knowing Jesus, no matter how high the cost on this earth”.

Am I disappointed with things in my life sometimes…YEP!!!  My sinful brain needs to accept the fact that God, the Master of the Universe, allowed it.  That should be all I need to know.  GOD has His reasons and if I would just take a second to STOP AND BE STILL, meditate on Him, rest in Him…I would learn something.  He doesn’t just allow things because He has nothing better to do, He wants us to grow. He wants us to put our eyes on Him.  He wants us to draw strength from Him.

I have always lived with the saying, “Nothing happens that God didn’t filter through His hands first”.  This has always brought me freedom and relief.  I rested in this truth.  Somewhere along the way, I became mad that He would allow certain things to be filtered into my life.  Wow!!! Did I actually just write that???  That makes me so sad and disappointed that I would, that I could, even go there.  I am ashamed and want to hang my head but God doesn’t want that.  He wants me to act like the new man I am and embrace Him.  That’s how great He is!!!!  I deserve death and He gives me life!!!!

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Ibuprofen kicked in and he is able to smile.  Yes, I do give into Ibuprofen when they are so miserable and achy.  But he is also taking extra Probiotics and Xfactor.  YAY, Plexus!!!

At least there are a lot more cuddles and snuggling when he’s sick!!!  Won’t pass that up:)