My Advent Sunday post took a turn. God allowed me to go through a hard week and it ended with a very bad Friday. This is honest, this who I am. I share because it’s so helpful for me to see the honesty of others. Everyday is not sunshine and rainbows!!! I’m just keeping it real. There is a happy ending though.
Friday. I had a bad day. A stupid day. It was just thing after thing. There was yelling, tears, frustration, self-pity and then a lot of shame. I was tired. I woke up feeling a sinus infection coming on. AND it was a whole day scheduled, full of things.
Levi had been sick for a few days this week which meant lack of sleep for this mama. I already haven’t been sleeping great because our very expensive mattress which has been wonderful for years is not being very kind to my body. I’ve talked about finally being able to sleep after so many years of anxious, sleepless nights BUT now my mattress keeps waking me up😞 Okay… let me get back on track!!!!
Tired mama taking care of a sick boy = exhaustion = body too tired to fight getting sick. Plus, my body is still going through die-off/detox with Plexus so my immune system is a bit low. So I woke up with the migraine I went to bed with and a lot of pain in my sinuses. I steamed with essential oils, baked cookies for my party that night and we got ready for our long day of holiday cooking workshop, gymnastics, Parkour, Hip-Hop, errands in between and then ladies adult time for mommy. I realized in order to get through this day, I was going to need to go back to bed or give into the drugs. Ibuprofen it was. (Ibuprofen is one of the causes of the damage to my gut). It takes ALOT for me to go the unnatural route.
Let me back track…The deciding factor for drugs for my day was…I was being just plain mean. I didn’t feel good, I hurt my back Thursday so I was in pain and I was mad… again. I have a problem with being mad when things don’t go my way. I’m working on it but let me just say…. my whole morning was a big fat failure!!!! So I needed some relief. I usually just deal with the pain. I’m used to being in pain but that day took its toll and it was only 11am.
Levi and I didn’t have a great morning. He couldn’t go to the cooking class because of his cold so he was acting out. There was yelling and tempers and bad examples…by both of us. I felt so sad and mad because he had to miss another fun activity that week. We took Abby to cooking class and then came home and had a good talk about not sinning in our anger. We had apologies and forgiveness to each other and lots of kisses and hugs. He really is such a sweet boy. His sisters would say otherwise😉
So as the day continued, things just didn’t go right. Fast forward to my final straw before I broke… I went to the store to pick up the movie I ordered for my Christmas Party and they said it was at another location across town. Like 30+ minutes away. I didn’t have any extra time. Yes, no big deal. It’s a movie. All these terrible things are going on in our world but I broke down and cried. I texted Eric. He talked with me, he felt bad, tried to help me feel better.
I was in a battle!!!
I had so many emotions and thoughts going on inside…. Why did God feel it necessary to allow all these stupid things? Why was I questioning God? Why am I so shallow? What was the whole point of this day? Why did I keep failing even though I knew the right way to respond? How do I let my anger and selfishness get the best of me when I desire so badly to be like God? Why can’t I just let the scripture I know rule my heart in these situations? A BATTLE!!!!
We got done with dance classes, Eric picked up the kids so I could go to my party. I had no movie for the present exchange and I felt like crap. Eric drove off and I stayed on the side of the road and cried and talked to God. I told Him how I was feeling. I told Him that I was mad at the day but mostly mad at myself for how I responded to Him, my husband, my kids and the situations of my day. I asked Him for His comfort. I asked Him for understanding. I asked Him for acceptance and contentment for what He allows. I was ashamed. How is it that we can want to be holy and godly and blow it so badly, everyday? Sin!!!
We are sinners!!! What I didn’t ask Him for was His forgiveness. Here I have this God who Has saved me. Who has showed His grace and mercy daily to an undeserving soul. Who emptied Himself and became man and took on my sin and punishment so I could live with Him forever. And I didn’t even acknowledge it in that moment. I just told Him how I was feeling and asked Him for things to make me feel better. Wretched!!!
So why a bad day??? A test to see how I would respond? A reminder that I am a sinner in need of a Savior? A chance to show my kids a godly example or should I say, an example of repentance of a sinner? Was it so I would reflect on my day and realize my first action should have been repenting to Him? Pretty sure it was all of the above AND perhaps it was for my husband to show me love. He went to the store where my movie was and brought it to my Christmas Party along with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. Awwweeeee!!!!! I didn’t know he was coming. I was completely surprised and blessed. I don’t think he could know how much that meant to me.
Once again, God showed me who is in control…AND IT’S NOT ME!!!!!!! It was a day He felt was needed to be allowed to show me who He is and to bring me closer to Him. He is my comfort, my help, my hope, the Forgiver. He has His reasons, His plans, His ways. He is the Potter. He is the author of my life. He is God and that’s all I need.